Turbot Residents are #1 in Giving Themselves Awards!

-Hey, you’re horribly ugly!
-Oh, don’t you start.
-Start what? I just noticed it now.
-Dear, oh dear. And, you know what, Mitchell? You ain’t so great yourself.
-No...I know that but, boy oh man, you got something...there’s something...yeah...Why didn’t I notice it before?
-I cast a magic spell over you.
-Serious?
-No. I think you’re just stupid.
-Oh, hey!
-Keep it quiet! Why are you always so loud?
-I’m not “always” so loud.
-Spare me. You’ve been this loud as long as...
-You’ve been that ugly?
-I’ve got a fist and it’s about to hit your fat little mouth.
-Try it...Au!
-Yeah. Go back to sleep, Mitchell.
-Au!

Mitchell and Noreen Winton had been arguing like this eternally. And, yes, Mitchell was always loud and Noreen was really ugly. But, that was just Mitchell’s way and Noreen had an excellent knack for make-up.

But, there’s was a love. The first couple married in Turbot. One year after its naming. They’d been married for over 20 years now and had, sincerely, run out of things to say. There life had been based around their jobs and their status in the small town. And, unfortunately, it was really about being Turbot’s first couple. (Although, they never liked to admit it.)

And, the magic and celebrity of that wore off faster than it takes you to read this. (Don’t pretend like you read it really slow) The milky after glow turned into a sour fluorescent shine, with all the headaches that go with that...

This couple had been in love. But...

I guess it’s time for another Turbot History Lesson.

Turbot History #8:
Until Stan Turbot left for good, the people in the town took it into their great and mighty heads that everything in their town could be commemorated as a first: 1st head cold, 1st holiday, 1st exchange of gift, 1st bounced check, 1st baby born, 1st kitten found, 1st broken bone, 1st case of chronic anal clog, 1st fire, 1st flood, 1st fist fight, 1st neighbor complaint, 1st loud party, 1st big time wasted and, yes, 1st couple married.

They were a bit of a gambling duo, the townsfolk used to say, always willing to bet something on something trying to get something. That’s the way it went down and they missed 1st baby born by one month. Mitchell never forgave Noreen that month when her cycle was just a little off and her period came early and it threw off their plan and she conceived a week later and, hells bells, it didn’t work so great.

A second honor, so they believed, would have sealed it up for them as the 1st Couple of Turbot. Damn and blast!

-Damn your ovaries, Noreen!
-I’m pregnant! Leave me alone!
-The Coopers are gonna beat us out.
-What?
-She’s 2 months already. You’re 3 1/2 weeks.
-Well...baby’s have been born before the 9 months were up.
-Wait!...That’s...Hmmm...
-I’m not saying anything. But, it’s our kid. Certainly he or she could be coaxed out a little earlier.
-That’s a plan.

So, the second title the Winton’s took was 1st Stillborn 1 1/2 month Premature Baby.

Not all honors are remembered. Nor should they be.

Once So Proud and So Everything to the people of Turbot. Now...just like all the others. And, their slow decent into this eternally circular bedtime argument began.

And, it got worse when they won the title of 1st Retired Couple. Because, by that time, Stan was gone and nobody cared about the title: They cared about making prepared beef and drinking. The Winton reign was over and all they had to look forward to was looking at each other for forever.

(If Turbot’s 1st couple ended up like this, it doesn’t take Copernicus to imagine the rest of the couples.)

-Oh boy.
-What?
-Ugly.
-I’m gonna throw you out of bed.
-I’ll throw myself out...Ow!
-Dummy.
-Someone kill me! Please!
-Stop being so loud!
-Does this really go on forever?
-Wait! I think...Damn.
-What?
-I thought my heart stopped.
-One day.
-You wish.
-Yeah.