Cyril P. and his Xmas Smells

If Santa kills your Mom and Dad on the way home from visiting Grandpa in the Old Loon’s Home, get a good therapist. No, get a great therapist. Having a nun yell at you and punish you all the time for being wicked and sinful doesn’t help anyone. The Mother Superior in this film is the character I would have thought “Most Likely To Get Killed” (she’s rather deserving) but she survives. I don’t mean to sound crass but where’s that comeuppance I’ve come to expect?

There aren’t enough good Santas in the world to exorcise this one real stinker. The poor boy in this, Billy (?), is just wrecked. After the extended opening, we get an extended post-opening involving him as a youngster, traumatized by Christmas! Then, we get him grown-up and he is not well. In fact, he’s nuts. So, he starts hurting people in a very serious fashion with assorted things that really hurt.

The man is crazy; the man kills. What’re you gonna do? A lot of people kill or at least that’s the opinion I’m forming. There’s always a reason and a lot of the time I wish it’d stop. It’s not very festive, this movie, what with all this killing.

What it is is Hollywood’s latest Smell. Something the family can approach, scratch and sniff really good. And, frankly, that smell is Christmas. I don’t want to say: Stay away from Santa. What I want to say is: Stay away from Santa if he has an ax. If it’s dripping with blood, that’s an even better sign. Billy tries to hold back all his rage but it doesn’t work. Xmas death flows.

Public Service Announcement from Them to Us. Although I think this is a rough message for the holiday, I do know that life is not easy. My trailer has had a strange musky, sour odor in it for a week now and I haven’t found out what the heck it is. I’ve drank all the eggnog. There’s no milk. I don’t own pets. It’s driving me crazy but I still review! I still teach you the lessons!

Merry Christmas to me! I am really great! Send any appreciation to The Turbot Tribune c/o Cyril P. Send now.