“The Spirit of ‘76!” I’m sure you’ve seen the banner hanging proud and large across the front of the Rialto. For the next few weeks, they’re showing films solely from the year 1976. As you may or may not know, I don’t believe that hopping back into our history like this is all that great. I recently had a chance to glance at my calendar and we’re no longer in 1976 so the lessons taught by these films are no longer valid. There is a reason why they make new movies: Because they are important! Be that as it may, the Rialto is showing these “oldies.” And, the editors have requested that I review them in my “normal fashion.” So, I shall. “The Spirit of ‘76!” is here. Let’s enjoy together. Shall we? We shall.
One question I had right off the bat was: Where was “Queen Kong?” All week long that had been the advertised film. But, when I arrived, the marquee read “Next Week: Queen Kong!” Oh well. This week: “Kiss of the Tarantula.” Arachnids over apes? Were they trying to tell us something? You decide.
So, the tarantulas who kiss are owned by a girl whose name is (most likely) Genevieve. An odd gal who doesn’t have very many human friends but does have many, many spider friends. And, they do her bidding whenever her bidding needs doing. In fact, that’s the gist of this “old favorite.” A strange girl who spends a lot of time with spiders uses them to kill people who throw her the grief. Thank you very much.
What about that scene with the make-out couple in the car, huh?! They’re smooching, it’s nice, it feels fine. Then, the car’s filled with spiders and the guy’s dead! Holy Crap! And the lady goes nuts! Holy Super Crap! Thank God I hadn’t met this odd gal when I was younger. Many’s the time she could have done a similar thing to me when I was in the woods, late at night...you know what I mean. Although, I was never as distracted as make-out couples must have been. Actually, I probably would have got out of there before the spiders swarmed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. So, if you’re planning on kissing someone to distraction in a car in the dark, watch out for swarming. It happens. (Or it happened.)
Dear sweet Genny, I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say to you...Come on, kid! Get with it! You can’t run around killing people with spiders all your life! Where’s that leading you? What’s the future hold? Someone doesn’t give you a job...kill him with spiders. Someone won’t go to the prom with you...death by spider. Someone cuts you off in traffic...spiders down their drawers. The love of your life runs off with your brother...smother them in spiders. I mean, it sounds great but it’s really just screwy! You need a hobby that’s less based in violence against other people. Something like model airplanes, doll collecting, finding shiny rocks, not hurting people. Oh, there you go. Making a hobby of not hurting people sounds like a great start. In fact, I would guess that that’s the lesson of today’s film: Don’t kill people with spiders. Take up productive hobbies of a non-violent nature. Join a Youth Group of some kind. I believe that Jesus was around in ‘76 so perhaps he could help you. And, as always, don’t do drugs.
(A quick disclaimer: As the film is an old one, the lesson may no longer apply.)
“Kiss of the Tarantula:” A journey forward from a past time to share its wonder in the present moment. Go to the Rialto and see what you think. Next week: “Queen Kong!” Bring the kids. Or they might just bring you.