The eyes of the reptile peered from the surface of the green, scummy water that let off a stink that you could smell all the way through the hotel. What a stinkhole! How that old jerk who owned this hole could call this place "Judd's Haven" was a joke. But, Cathy wasn't laughing.
She just wanted to be going to Gramma's big, old trailer in Turbot. They were so close.
Now, Lorenzo would never get there.
The alligator burped. Its eyes stayed poised on her. She tried to stare it down but was too sad.
"Little girl, be careful!" Judd rounded the corner and pushed himself between her and the shattered porch railing. "What happened here?"
The girl stared at this man whose pet now watched them both. Maybe 55, gray, thin hair a little ways up the shoulder. He looked silly. His face was long and not attractive. A mashed nose, lazy eye and three missing teeth saw to that. He was kind of hunched and his hands, very close to her face, seemed larger than they should be. She didn't like him. His concern for her seemed very wrong.
"Did you do this to my fence?"
Cathy choked through tears. "That thing did it."
"Blake?" The old fart didn't seem concerned. He chuckled at his reptile in the stench swamp. "He's as gentle as a morning breeze."
"HE ate my dog!"
"Well, he does have a taste for 'em." The old man nodded.
"What?" Cathy's voice was trembling. "My-my dog, I mean...it leapt through the railing and ate it."
"I used to," Judd said slow, checking the swaying, torn wood of the railings, "have a sign bewaring people. Especially about bringing your dogs over. Blake'll smell it."
"He's done this before!" Cathy was starting to get angry. She should have yelled for Mom and Dad but this man's nonchalant attitude was getting her cute, young girl dander up. "Why is he so close to your hotel?"
"He's my pet. You had your pet close to you."
"Your pet ate my pet!"
Judd laughed and tossed an old nail at the water where it sat on top of green, bubbling congeal. The reptile's eyes flashed over at it and then back at people. "Now, that'll happen! Blake'll eat almost anything."
Cathy's eyes narrowed. "What d'you mean?"
Judd leaned close. "Can you keep a secret?"
"Sure."
"Blake's eaten people. People I don't like."
The girl looked at the old man for a long time. The water bubbled nearby. Blake burped again.
The old man got quieter. "You say anything and you'll follow your dog."
The reptile burped again and this time a dog's blood and bile soaked leg shot through the air and slammed into the hotel wall, sliding to the ground next to the old man with the threatening look in his eye.
"You know somethin', mister."
"I'm sick?" Relish shone on his gaunt face.
"That's what I was hopin' you'd say."
"Why?"
The little girl grabbed the top of her hair and pulled off a very life-like latex wig and mask.
"Oh my..."
Before the hotel proprietor stood a 40-year-old midget with a little girl's clothes on and a small box with a button on it. "Hello, Judd Dirkins."
"Who are you?" The old man looked scared.
"Sanders. Hieronymus Sanders, Animal Bounty Hunter."
"What?"
"Cover your ears."
"What?"
Hieronymus pressed down the button. And, a giant alligator burst into a 1,000 bloody pieces. Spraying the swamp and the hotel and the old man.
"Hieronymus Sanders!
Animal Bounty Hunter!
Be careful what your animals do!
He'll come for them and you!
Sanders! Hieronymus!
He'll even kill a hippopotamus!
Enjoy him!"
Yes, kids. Turbot's only real hero stopped the rampage of a crazed alligator. The clever little man got the alligator to eat a poodle with five pounds of plastic explosives crammed in its anus.
Master of disguise, righter of wrongs and a grown man willing to pack plastic explosives into a poodle's tush. He may not be a superman but he's our favorite man.
"Hieronymus! Hieronymus!
Each and every part of us
love that little man so!
He's tiny!"
He's tiny!"
1 comment:
Good Morning.
This is one of the legendary stories surrounding one of Turbot's finest men: Little, but deadly, Hieronymus Sanders, Animal Bounty Hunter. Have a good one.
-Arthur
Post a Comment