Mulletville Main Street, Part 1

By Jake

You want an old fun story? Here’s one. Although, it may not be all that fun. But, anyways, here it is.

When the had the old marshmallow plant up, people in the town got a bit of a hanker-on to have a Main Street. This was when people were living in the houses. Yes, the ones we’re still in. But, most folks are in those trailers now and, God Bless ‘Em, I think they smell. That doesn’t preclude the fact that sometimes I might smell but those tings have that sanitary smell you get in public lavatories. You know that smell? Yeah, you know that smell. I can see it in your eyes. Anyway, the workers at the marshmallow plant wanted to be more cosmopolitan.

Yes, yes. Turbot, or Mulletville back then, does have a “main street”. It has the general store, the video store and the office of the Turbot Tribune. Hicksville 100%. Absolute hicks laugh at it. People who live in the smallest Appalachian towns blink and miss “Main Street”. The Mulletvillians wanted something bigger. They wanted a full-on New York City/ Chicago-style street. Now, I know there are a lot of them in the big cities. They wanted a generic one. Ya know, a block long with a busy four lane street. All the buildings would be three or four stories high. Department stories, pizzeria, delis, newsstands. You know, you’ve been to a city. They wanted the light, the hustle &, frankly, they wanted some bustle in there. They knew that their confectionaries went around the world so why do they have to be secluded.

“Let’s get in some of the big department stores. We’ll put a Harrods in Mulletville! Eight stories high with a permanent Christmas department, the biggest food court in the U.S. (with sushi), a whole floor devoted to shoes and more expensive chocolates and nougats in gold boxes than you can shake your wang at! We’ll have a Kosher deli with meat, meat, and meat! We’ll have a Chinese restaurant, an Italian eatery and a Greek dinner hutch! There will be a video store next to the coffee shop and a bakery with fresh bread 24-hours a day! We want a Main Street. And, we will pay for it!”

They weren’t goofin’ your noodle. They were going to pay for it. For 15 years, the Chamber of Commerce set aside cash and donations towards the Main Street Project. The Government would match some of the funds and so would the owners of the factory. Those puffy, white hotshots thought that they could expand production and put a store on the Street. Tricky, crafty fellows. You should have seen the people’s faces light up. Once a year, they would have a get-together towards the construction. They would review budgets and pertinents. Each year they got a little closer. It was a thrilling time. Mulletville’s prime.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How in the hell are they gonna pull this off? This sounds like an ass-headed venture if ever there was one. Yes and no. They had one big advantage. You remember that the marshmallow, now prepared beef, plant was once used for arms manufacturing during WWII? Well, it was. And, there were actually two plants. The one that still stands and the one that used to be in the large field where all the trailers are. It was knocked down after the war for mysterious, government-men reasons but the other was kept up.
What the folks of Mulletville knew was this: There was a connecting underground subway that would bring “Classified” things from one building to another. They are only a mile apart so it wasn’t a long ride but… If you go down to the 5th sub-floor of Grey’s Prepared Beef and you go all the way to the west wall. There is a door. Just a door. An ordinary door. I don’t even know if it’s still there. They’ve probably walled it up, sealed it off. If you went through the door, there was an enormous warehouse room. That’s where they kept the “Super Secret” things that they did. Germ warfare? Kill-em-all explosives? Possibly. I don’t know. At the far end of this room, there is a track. A subway track leading deep into the underground darkness. It went under Mulletville and wound up at a long, high room directly under the basement of the now-torn down building. This is what made it possible.

They would get a subway train. One or two cars. It didn’t have to be a big one. People didn’t mind crowding in. They would dig a separate tunnel down to the 5th Sub-Floor room in the marshmallow factory. Now, all the employees would have instant and easy access to the train that would take them to Main Street. On weekends, some people would walk there but you’ll notice one thing… The houses are on the other side of the factory. On the east side. The trailers and the now-gone building were on the west. It was far more convenient, and far more cosmopolitan, for them to take the subway to there beautiful Downtown.

So, they had it worked out. Well, that part of it was.

What I’m going to do is take a break and use the can. When I get back to you, you’ll learn about Mulletville and their Main Street. What really happened in The Little Town That Thought It Could. Bye now. Stay safe