Rurality

Look at that field! Is that majestic or what? It grabs you hard, don't it? Right by the poh-poh’s. This side nothing but wheat. This side covered in majestic ears of corn. They move in different ways. People love that. The wheat stalks ripple, like great fir trees in the midst of a wind. The corn...it’s more rigid...like a person in the cold trying to stay rigid and solid but still giving. But, the corn doesn’t snap. That’s the thing. The corn will not snap. It just moves in a heavier sway is all. People are entranced. They love to watch the field move. Kids run in and out of the fields. Playing, getting lost. This is one of the few places I know of where people treat it with reverence. 10 years now, I’ve been growing and folks treat my farm real kind...Real kind.

They don’t know the other thing about all of this.

Well...this ain’t gonna get published for everyone to see is it? All right then...ya know, every year I have a great crop. People come from all around when I have my Annual Bread and Corn Festival after harvesting. We assemble around the fallen stalks and eat and party and really live it up. It’s something. I hope you’ll be here for that. So many people and fresh bread and corn on the cob and corn chowder like you wouldn’t believe. Well, you might believe it. But, you’d do best to act like you don’t. So...the folks love it. They watch, next morning, as I drive my big truck loaded with wheat and corn away. A thrill. It really is.

But, let me show you something.

Feel this stalk. Yeah. Strong, almost ready to be picked. Now, have a look at this corn. Hmmm....what d’you think? Looks pretty good, huh? A strong, healthy yellow. I’d ask you to try a bite but it’s made of plastic. The stalks are made of some sort of high-endurance material. Same with the wheat. Yeah...This is all fake. My big truck hauls all these fakes to an air-conditioned storage space where it sits until fake planting next harvest time. I have a series of different sized stalks stored away there. These are the strongest because they’re out the longest. Very real, huh? And, no one knows they’re fake. If they do, they’re keeping it to themselves. So, fancy man, what d’you think about that?

I don’t farm a damn thing. Never did. I make my money selling rubber goods that I make out of my home. PULLCO.COM on the Net, if you’re interested. But, this...The town can be very conservative. This is “keeping up my exteriors” as it were. I’m Turbot’s one and only gentleman farmer. I work hard and do well. I mean, come on, it’s not easy simulating growing crops year after year. Middle of the night, replacing stalks. Always hoping that the sudden, massive growth and someone’s putting 2 & 2 together never coincide. It’s worked well so far. And, when someone finds out, well...I’ll focus all my time on rubber goods and, if the people of this town wanna rail-run me out of town, so be it. My Rubber Goods Monthly says that the market has never been better. I agree wholeheartedly. I’m doing incredible.

I don’t say that what I do morally is so great but people round here love the festival. You should see the faces. Not just the youngsters but everyone. It’s a lively day in Turbot, which is not that often as I’m sure you’ve seen. So...I may be a liar but I’m the best lying gentleman farmer ever. Ever. What d’you think about that, Mr. Scribble Britches?