My Great Aunt's Great Adventure

One day, a fine Tuesday, my great aunt, Silvania Tallman went out to her blue mailbox and got out three pieces of mail: 1 to Resident, 1 to from her sister and one to Silvania Tallmin from the U.S. Dept of Weights and Measures. She opened it up, figuring she could say she didn’t catch the name misspelling until she’d had a glance at it. Inside, she found a very oddball letter.

Dear Ms. Tallmin,
Our dearest regards to you and yours. We have recently heard about your achievements in the realm of linguistics and were interested in acquiring some of your time and talents for our organization. Please call us at ---- and ask for Mr. Grant.
Yours sincerely,
your Department of Weights & Measures


My aunt had spent the past 22 years packaging prepared beef. She could not claim a single achievement in the realm of linguistics. Silvania gave a call, asked for Mr. Grant was put on hold for 20 minutes and was eventually disconnected after listening to muzak versions of Barry Manilow songs that she liked better than the originals. Government issued Muzak, she supposed.

After this call, she tried one more time, the same thing happened. So, she forgot all about it. Two weeks later, a second letter arrived.

Dear Mrs. Tallman,
We have not heard from you. We are a little worried. Are you well? Please call us at --- and ask for Miss Granth. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your friends,
the Weights and Measures Bureau.


So, Silvania tried again. Nothing. The only person she talked to would not listen because the call wasn’t for her department and everyone there was on lunch. And so, more Barry Manilow-muzak and waiting and wasting time. She showed it to her best friend, Madge, who suggested talking with Dr. Krause because she was once a Government Doctor. Silvania said she would but didn’t because it was silly advice. The Government was like a large corporation. Just because you worked in Sales didn’t mean you had any idea what Shipping did. Dr. Krause had enough to do. Luckily, Silvania’s indecision was cleared up by the sudden arrival of a third letter.

Dear Marnie Tillmin,
Hello fellow U.S. citizen! My name is Bonton Grant and have I got a proposition for you. 3 weeks in Jamaica all expenses paid at a hotel with a large pool. Sound great? Sounds great. You bet it is. And, it’s all yours for a small assistance. We need your help with some weights and measures related problems. Your skill as a linguist, especially with your overwhelming knowledge of the Romance languages, is desperately needed. Call ---.
Yours truly,
Grant

Suffice it to say, Silvania could not get a hold of them. Try as she might. Everything she could. Nada. But, the letters kept coming and coming and here they are:

Dear Tallman,
Please reply to our missives. We know you have the number. We need you here to do some important work. Thank you.
Yours,
Weights and Measures, U.S. Government

Dear S. Tillmoon,
Do you love the gram as a measuring standard? I have a feeling you do. And, if this feeling is worth anything to you, call us. Please.
Yours
Whites and Measureballs


Dear Occupant Tallman,
Jesus Christ, do you not care?! This is shattering for everyone and you find it well to act this way? This is wrongness. There is nothing of stopping you. Call.
It’s yours,
the people of Measures

And the final letter from this weird address:

Dearest Slavinius Toorman,
Enclosed please find a check for $0.00 made out to nobody for your non-assistance when you didn’t help us. No thanks.
From,
Weights & Measuires, U.S. Gov’t

Then, they stopped. And, Silvania didn’t hear another peep for the longest time. She went about her self, doing what she’d always done and having a nice time. Six months after she got the non-check, a letter came, certified, and it cleared everything up a bit. A little ways. Certainly, it made most things clearer then they had been.

To Ms. Tallman,
We thank you heartily for doing your patriotic duty and not giving in to foreign marauders and shady characters. Those letters you received a while ago would have tempted anyone, even me, but you are strong. Well done, I imagine you were wondering what was happening. Someone like you, though, probably had your suspicions. Well, I can’t say much but I can clue you in. The French were after the Gram again! It’s hard to believe. It seems like every five years, doesn’t it? Remember the last time? I’m sure you do. How could you forget? How’s your left side?

Anyway, hope you’re well and thank you for being a “good American.”
Sincerely,
Gen. Roqufort-McWilliams,
Dept. Of Weights & Measures

Silvania kept all the letters and read through them now and then. The only spot that really gets here is the General’s question about her semi-paralyzed side, which was true. The accident that caused it was what kept her away from Prepared Beef. All the rest she could dismiss as a mis-mailing accident but...

What would the French do if they got the gram? What sort of havoc can you wreck with it?

“Oh, how different that is.”