He looks like Moe from "The Three Stooges" now!
More updates soon.
Write to us for locks of Arthur's hair.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Holy Crap!
We're back!
Marlene and Arthur here! Where were we? You wonder? Did we get washed away or something? How is Turbot? What's with those Cracked magazine revews?
Let me just say this, "We have had a time."
We won't go into all of it on this post. Really, we just want to say "Hello" to folks who have read our stuff in the past. There's nothing like a long trip to clear your head. And, did we ever take a long trip?
Yes. We did.
Arthur is six inches taller and has a beard! Marlene has lost ten pounds and won a pie eating contest in Duluth! How's that for you?
A beard! Duluth! You guys are nuts! Yes.
Turbot is no more. We are writing to you from Berchard, Nebraska - Home of the First Money Roll! You know, they invented that little paper roll you put pennies in. They're real nice people. We don't have the trailer anymore. We have a pickup with one of those trailer things on top. We're happy. But, we're busy with new jobs and everything so...
Stay tuned! We'll have more info for you soon. What a story!
Marlene and Arthur here! Where were we? You wonder? Did we get washed away or something? How is Turbot? What's with those Cracked magazine revews?
Let me just say this, "We have had a time."
We won't go into all of it on this post. Really, we just want to say "Hello" to folks who have read our stuff in the past. There's nothing like a long trip to clear your head. And, did we ever take a long trip?
Yes. We did.
Arthur is six inches taller and has a beard! Marlene has lost ten pounds and won a pie eating contest in Duluth! How's that for you?
A beard! Duluth! You guys are nuts! Yes.
Turbot is no more. We are writing to you from Berchard, Nebraska - Home of the First Money Roll! You know, they invented that little paper roll you put pennies in. They're real nice people. We don't have the trailer anymore. We have a pickup with one of those trailer things on top. We're happy. But, we're busy with new jobs and everything so...
Stay tuned! We'll have more info for you soon. What a story!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
New Cracked Review Blog!
Hello!
All Cracked review have been moved to their own blog!
http://crackedreviews.blogspot.com
Awesome!
Enjoy!
All Cracked review have been moved to their own blog!
http://crackedreviews.blogspot.com
Awesome!
Enjoy!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Cyril P. Welcomes "The Spirit of "76!"
“The Spirit of ‘76!” I’m sure you’ve seen the banner hanging proud and large across the front of the Rialto. For the next few weeks, they’re showing films solely from the year 1976. As you may or may not know, I don’t believe that hopping back into our history like this is all that great. I recently had a chance to glance at my calendar and we’re no longer in 1976 so the lessons taught by these films are no longer valid. There is a reason why they make new movies: Because they are important! Be that as it may, the Rialto is showing these “oldies.” And, the editors have requested that I review them in my “normal fashion.” So, I shall. “The Spirit of ‘76!” is here. Let’s enjoy together. Shall we? We shall.
One question I had right off the bat was: Where was “Queen Kong?” All week long that had been the advertised film. But, when I arrived, the marquee read “Next Week: Queen Kong!” Oh well. This week: “Kiss of the Tarantula.” Arachnids over apes? Were they trying to tell us something? You decide.
So, the tarantulas who kiss are owned by a girl whose name is (most likely) Genevieve. An odd gal who doesn’t have very many human friends but does have many, many spider friends. And, they do her bidding whenever her bidding needs doing. In fact, that’s the gist of this “old favorite.” A strange girl who spends a lot of time with spiders uses them to kill people who throw her the grief. Thank you very much.
What about that scene with the make-out couple in the car, huh?! They’re smooching, it’s nice, it feels fine. Then, the car’s filled with spiders and the guy’s dead! Holy Crap! And the lady goes nuts! Holy Super Crap! Thank God I hadn’t met this odd gal when I was younger. Many’s the time she could have done a similar thing to me when I was in the woods, late at night...you know what I mean. Although, I was never as distracted as make-out couples must have been. Actually, I probably would have got out of there before the spiders swarmed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. So, if you’re planning on kissing someone to distraction in a car in the dark, watch out for swarming. It happens. (Or it happened.)
Dear sweet Genny, I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say to you...Come on, kid! Get with it! You can’t run around killing people with spiders all your life! Where’s that leading you? What’s the future hold? Someone doesn’t give you a job...kill him with spiders. Someone won’t go to the prom with you...death by spider. Someone cuts you off in traffic...spiders down their drawers. The love of your life runs off with your brother...smother them in spiders. I mean, it sounds great but it’s really just screwy! You need a hobby that’s less based in violence against other people. Something like model airplanes, doll collecting, finding shiny rocks, not hurting people. Oh, there you go. Making a hobby of not hurting people sounds like a great start. In fact, I would guess that that’s the lesson of today’s film: Don’t kill people with spiders. Take up productive hobbies of a non-violent nature. Join a Youth Group of some kind. I believe that Jesus was around in ‘76 so perhaps he could help you. And, as always, don’t do drugs.
(A quick disclaimer: As the film is an old one, the lesson may no longer apply.)
“Kiss of the Tarantula:” A journey forward from a past time to share its wonder in the present moment. Go to the Rialto and see what you think. Next week: “Queen Kong!” Bring the kids. Or they might just bring you.
One question I had right off the bat was: Where was “Queen Kong?” All week long that had been the advertised film. But, when I arrived, the marquee read “Next Week: Queen Kong!” Oh well. This week: “Kiss of the Tarantula.” Arachnids over apes? Were they trying to tell us something? You decide.
So, the tarantulas who kiss are owned by a girl whose name is (most likely) Genevieve. An odd gal who doesn’t have very many human friends but does have many, many spider friends. And, they do her bidding whenever her bidding needs doing. In fact, that’s the gist of this “old favorite.” A strange girl who spends a lot of time with spiders uses them to kill people who throw her the grief. Thank you very much.
What about that scene with the make-out couple in the car, huh?! They’re smooching, it’s nice, it feels fine. Then, the car’s filled with spiders and the guy’s dead! Holy Crap! And the lady goes nuts! Holy Super Crap! Thank God I hadn’t met this odd gal when I was younger. Many’s the time she could have done a similar thing to me when I was in the woods, late at night...you know what I mean. Although, I was never as distracted as make-out couples must have been. Actually, I probably would have got out of there before the spiders swarmed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. So, if you’re planning on kissing someone to distraction in a car in the dark, watch out for swarming. It happens. (Or it happened.)
Dear sweet Genny, I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say to you...Come on, kid! Get with it! You can’t run around killing people with spiders all your life! Where’s that leading you? What’s the future hold? Someone doesn’t give you a job...kill him with spiders. Someone won’t go to the prom with you...death by spider. Someone cuts you off in traffic...spiders down their drawers. The love of your life runs off with your brother...smother them in spiders. I mean, it sounds great but it’s really just screwy! You need a hobby that’s less based in violence against other people. Something like model airplanes, doll collecting, finding shiny rocks, not hurting people. Oh, there you go. Making a hobby of not hurting people sounds like a great start. In fact, I would guess that that’s the lesson of today’s film: Don’t kill people with spiders. Take up productive hobbies of a non-violent nature. Join a Youth Group of some kind. I believe that Jesus was around in ‘76 so perhaps he could help you. And, as always, don’t do drugs.
(A quick disclaimer: As the film is an old one, the lesson may no longer apply.)
“Kiss of the Tarantula:” A journey forward from a past time to share its wonder in the present moment. Go to the Rialto and see what you think. Next week: “Queen Kong!” Bring the kids. Or they might just bring you.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Cyril P. Reviews an "Oldie But Newie!"
It’s funny. I watch a movie. It’s good for you. The memory of that movie is forever emblazoned on the mind. But, Hollywood makes a lot of movies. They constantly press forward, changing and refining ideas. Ideas that are important to them and us. Movie after movie floods my head. So, after 100 or more, I don’t retain exact memories of each movie. I retain the strains of thought from each and the build-up of intertwining moral and social threads. However, the individual moments all mold together into one. Luckily, Hollywood has found a solution. (Did you think they wouldn’t?) This mighty fixative? Remaking (with slightly subtle differences) films we’ve previously seen.
I haven’t watched “Halloween” in about five years. But, it doesn’t matter. Because I’ve just seen “Offerings.” The exact same movie but without a lot of the scares. Let’s be honest, it’s very tough to ingest the message when you can’t stop shriekin’! Know what I mean?
So, I present you now with “Offerings.”
We’ve seen it before. So, it makes everything a little easier.
Small town. The opening is certainly different. A little mute boy kills a relative. Granted, that’s not the part that’s different. The different part is how they present it. This new piece introduces the little girl who becomes a major part of the film.
“Ten Years Later”
The young woman has the house to herself. She has a friend who enjoys sex. The nutty fella has escaped from the loony bin (with a doctor in hot pursuit) and is going for the young woman whose name is nothing I currently remember. Let’s call her Sue-Anne. Sue-Anne is given “offerings’ from the crazy guy. An ear, a nose, a head, etc. He loves her, whereas Michael Meyers in “Halloween” seems to want to kill the girl.
I think this is what’s happened: We learn as we go. In “Halloween,” the young innocent is presented as the center of the stalk. She is what he is after. And, this has been the template for what has happened since. Some variation of that has permeated through each one of these. If the world is flat works for the best and brightest, why shouldn’t it work for me?
Well, they’ve re-thought their case. Our psychopathic innocent is now on the same level with our real innocent. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He wants to give her gifts and make sure she’s happy. Their re-alignment of this once over-the-top theme is very interesting. In the past, one saw the innocent making it to the end simply because she or he was the last one killed. Now, the innocent survives because the psycho doesn’t want to kill her.
Folks, the new thing is here! This is THE most important part of our new variation. Keep it in mind.
But, that wasn’t much of a review.
In Oklahoma (don’t make me sing it), some teens are having a heck of a time. It seems a boy they once picked on and pushed down a well is back to kill them. The funny thing is that the well doesn’t kill the boy or really seem to hurt him at all. The prologue ends with him falling in and the kids running away. Except for one little girl. His friend, Sue-Anne.
Well, then we get the “10 Years Later” and they tell us that that night the boy came out of the well and killed and ate his mom. That’s why he was put away. The well apparently sparked it and...really I don’t know. The events in the opening relate to the movie but not what got him put away. So, anyway...
“Ten Years Later”
The boy who was pushed in the well is coming to kill the kids who pushed the boy in the well. Except for the girl he likes (Sue-Anne). But, really, she was just there. She didn’t have anything to do with it.
Crazy McFriend squeezes one head in a vice, cuts a throat in a car, hangs one guy, decapitates a gal and so forth. And, that’s the line up. It feels like something we’ve seen before but we know we haven’t seen this.
In closing: Be good.
I haven’t watched “Halloween” in about five years. But, it doesn’t matter. Because I’ve just seen “Offerings.” The exact same movie but without a lot of the scares. Let’s be honest, it’s very tough to ingest the message when you can’t stop shriekin’! Know what I mean?
So, I present you now with “Offerings.”
We’ve seen it before. So, it makes everything a little easier.
Small town. The opening is certainly different. A little mute boy kills a relative. Granted, that’s not the part that’s different. The different part is how they present it. This new piece introduces the little girl who becomes a major part of the film.
“Ten Years Later”
The young woman has the house to herself. She has a friend who enjoys sex. The nutty fella has escaped from the loony bin (with a doctor in hot pursuit) and is going for the young woman whose name is nothing I currently remember. Let’s call her Sue-Anne. Sue-Anne is given “offerings’ from the crazy guy. An ear, a nose, a head, etc. He loves her, whereas Michael Meyers in “Halloween” seems to want to kill the girl.
I think this is what’s happened: We learn as we go. In “Halloween,” the young innocent is presented as the center of the stalk. She is what he is after. And, this has been the template for what has happened since. Some variation of that has permeated through each one of these. If the world is flat works for the best and brightest, why shouldn’t it work for me?
Well, they’ve re-thought their case. Our psychopathic innocent is now on the same level with our real innocent. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He wants to give her gifts and make sure she’s happy. Their re-alignment of this once over-the-top theme is very interesting. In the past, one saw the innocent making it to the end simply because she or he was the last one killed. Now, the innocent survives because the psycho doesn’t want to kill her.
Folks, the new thing is here! This is THE most important part of our new variation. Keep it in mind.
But, that wasn’t much of a review.
In Oklahoma (don’t make me sing it), some teens are having a heck of a time. It seems a boy they once picked on and pushed down a well is back to kill them. The funny thing is that the well doesn’t kill the boy or really seem to hurt him at all. The prologue ends with him falling in and the kids running away. Except for one little girl. His friend, Sue-Anne.
Well, then we get the “10 Years Later” and they tell us that that night the boy came out of the well and killed and ate his mom. That’s why he was put away. The well apparently sparked it and...really I don’t know. The events in the opening relate to the movie but not what got him put away. So, anyway...
“Ten Years Later”
The boy who was pushed in the well is coming to kill the kids who pushed the boy in the well. Except for the girl he likes (Sue-Anne). But, really, she was just there. She didn’t have anything to do with it.
Crazy McFriend squeezes one head in a vice, cuts a throat in a car, hangs one guy, decapitates a gal and so forth. And, that’s the line up. It feels like something we’ve seen before but we know we haven’t seen this.
In closing: Be good.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Mystery Writers...Listen Up!
Are you working on a 2-Minute Mystery or some sort of "Mini" Mystery
story that you need a snappy ending for? Do you sit up at nights saying "I
know, I just know, that I can write a mystery story as good as any of those
multi-millionaire writers."? Do you want to make some extra income? Was
a career as a Dental Assistant something that just didn't appeal? Well, I
am Your Catalyst!
I have a small stockpile of "Mini" mystery endings that can be extended
to novel-length endings if the client requires. Sometimes you have all the
characters assembled, everyone is ready to learn who the murderer is,
and you just bomb out-- No ending. How will you resolve things?
Read on.
Here are a sample of five solutions that could get you out of that
bind:
Detective **** knew that the Madame was lying because of the clock. She
could not have seen the clock the moment she entered because the
Cleaning Lady had moved the breakfront. But, she could have seen the clock in
the mirror, which means it was 1, not 11. Her alibi crumbles to dust.
Inspector **** brought the feather to tickle Uncle Mumfin's underarms.
There was no way that a man as ticklish as Mumfin had proven himself to be
would be able to keep the Colonel's frozen hands under his arms. So, if the
dead man's fingerprints weren't from an abortive attempt at thawing, then
when else could they be from? The Inspector says it was Murder!
Two things become apparent when you examine the carriage marks: 1) they
were made with a Standard issue wooden wheel Model RT19, which were made by
the Bradenton Brothers from 1887-1892. It was a replacement for the RT18
and was replaced itself by the RY12728'. 2) The marks could not have been by a
horse-drawn carriage as the gradient of 15% would not allow for a
comparable exchange of momentum with the shoes that the animals would have been
wearing. So, Mrs. Henderson pulled the carriage herself. It was her
carriage, which she pretended was out of commission in the old barn.
And, she ran over Henrietta Wainscot on the night of March the 8th! J'Accuse!
One word: Applesauce. Not on his back, but on his shoes. Uncle Burdock
would never look at a porkchop again.
Paisley Wilmington knew that the German ate bratwurst every morning for
his heart. But, as there was none in his stomach at the time of death, she
knew that he hadn't eaten any that day. So, she deduced that any man without
his daily bratwurst was in danger of doing something he didn't want to do.
The lack of pants on the Scandinavian jockey meant that he was doing wash
and had no spare pants. Putting two and two together, they arrested the
Polack.
There it is, folks! Your ticket to a better life. What are mysteries?
Works of art? Beautiful constructions where form and function latch together
for all eternity. Or are they something that any old hack can churn out
quicker than corn through my digestive system?
The latter, ladies and gentleman!
So, contact me through Del Berman and this blog. I'll hook you up. (As
I said, I have hundreds of these. We're a horse suit and I'm the man in
the rear!)
Your dreams await!
story that you need a snappy ending for? Do you sit up at nights saying "I
know, I just know, that I can write a mystery story as good as any of those
multi-millionaire writers."? Do you want to make some extra income? Was
a career as a Dental Assistant something that just didn't appeal? Well, I
am Your Catalyst!
I have a small stockpile of "Mini" mystery endings that can be extended
to novel-length endings if the client requires. Sometimes you have all the
characters assembled, everyone is ready to learn who the murderer is,
and you just bomb out-- No ending. How will you resolve things?
Read on.
Here are a sample of five solutions that could get you out of that
bind:
Detective **** knew that the Madame was lying because of the clock. She
could not have seen the clock the moment she entered because the
Cleaning Lady had moved the breakfront. But, she could have seen the clock in
the mirror, which means it was 1, not 11. Her alibi crumbles to dust.
Inspector **** brought the feather to tickle Uncle Mumfin's underarms.
There was no way that a man as ticklish as Mumfin had proven himself to be
would be able to keep the Colonel's frozen hands under his arms. So, if the
dead man's fingerprints weren't from an abortive attempt at thawing, then
when else could they be from? The Inspector says it was Murder!
Two things become apparent when you examine the carriage marks: 1) they
were made with a Standard issue wooden wheel Model RT19, which were made by
the Bradenton Brothers from 1887-1892. It was a replacement for the RT18
and was replaced itself by the RY12728'. 2) The marks could not have been by a
horse-drawn carriage as the gradient of 15% would not allow for a
comparable exchange of momentum with the shoes that the animals would have been
wearing. So, Mrs. Henderson pulled the carriage herself. It was her
carriage, which she pretended was out of commission in the old barn.
And, she ran over Henrietta Wainscot on the night of March the 8th! J'Accuse!
One word: Applesauce. Not on his back, but on his shoes. Uncle Burdock
would never look at a porkchop again.
Paisley Wilmington knew that the German ate bratwurst every morning for
his heart. But, as there was none in his stomach at the time of death, she
knew that he hadn't eaten any that day. So, she deduced that any man without
his daily bratwurst was in danger of doing something he didn't want to do.
The lack of pants on the Scandinavian jockey meant that he was doing wash
and had no spare pants. Putting two and two together, they arrested the
Polack.
There it is, folks! Your ticket to a better life. What are mysteries?
Works of art? Beautiful constructions where form and function latch together
for all eternity. Or are they something that any old hack can churn out
quicker than corn through my digestive system?
The latter, ladies and gentleman!
So, contact me through Del Berman and this blog. I'll hook you up. (As
I said, I have hundreds of these. We're a horse suit and I'm the man in
the rear!)
Your dreams await!
Monday, May 08, 2006
I'm Del Berman! I'm in charge now!
Hey, everyone! Del Berman here! And, I run Turbot Town Stories now!
Isn't that great?
I'm bringing back some old favorites (Cyril P.!) and some new fun times. (It's a surprise!)
I took over this goofball blog and now I'm gonna make it the best! Hold on to your Johnsons, kids!
Here we go!
Del Berman signing out...
Isn't that great?
I'm bringing back some old favorites (Cyril P.!) and some new fun times. (It's a surprise!)
I took over this goofball blog and now I'm gonna make it the best! Hold on to your Johnsons, kids!
Here we go!
Del Berman signing out...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
A Good Thing
Grey's may be closed. We may all be losing our jobs. We may all be losing our trailers. We may all end up at the bottom of Old Hagar's Swamp.
But...
I can't think of anything. Feel free to leave messages with things we can be happy about.
But...
I can't think of anything. Feel free to leave messages with things we can be happy about.
Friday, March 10, 2006
It's Official...
...and it hurts!
Grey's Prepared Beef plant is officially closing down. All jobs are being outsourced to Guam or somewhere similar.
The entire town of Turbot (with a few exceptions) will be out of work on May 21st of this year.
Good luck to everyone!
Love,
M & A
Grey's Prepared Beef plant is officially closing down. All jobs are being outsourced to Guam or somewhere similar.
The entire town of Turbot (with a few exceptions) will be out of work on May 21st of this year.
Good luck to everyone!
Love,
M & A
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
One Tired Man...Still Swimming
If there's anything I love about Turbot, it's Old Hagar's Swamp.
I've been swimming in that for six days now. I'm covered in lichen, detritus and just general filth. I've been coughing a lot and my lungs are clogged with life. Beautiful life. But, I'm swimming again. People say I wasn't going to be swimming after my Ba**s went south in the Marinate. Bull stank!
I'm swimming! And, they're closing down and they're done! And, I'm swimming!
Anyone who wants to join me...please do so. I start at 6AM and go until I become so tired and phlegmy that I can swim no more. I can't wait to see you.
I've been swimming in that for six days now. I'm covered in lichen, detritus and just general filth. I've been coughing a lot and my lungs are clogged with life. Beautiful life. But, I'm swimming again. People say I wasn't going to be swimming after my Ba**s went south in the Marinate. Bull stank!
I'm swimming! And, they're closing down and they're done! And, I'm swimming!
Anyone who wants to join me...please do so. I start at 6AM and go until I become so tired and phlegmy that I can swim no more. I can't wait to see you.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Recipe Time
Well, it looks like Grey's is shutting down. So, all of the unemployed in the area are going to need to eat light for a while...
I've got a recipe for you.
Take a box of tortilla shells, some cheese that you get in the mail and a can of Spaghettios.
Warm up the shells and cook the Spaghs. Make sure the Spaghs bubble lightly before you sprinkle in some shredded cheese. Then, take the shells out of the oven.
Crack the shells in half. Spread the Spagh & cheese mix on the shell half. Salsa, if available.
Eat.
It is wonderful. And cheap. Sour cream is a nice touch. Taco meat can be used, if, once again, available.
Enjoy.
I've got a recipe for you.
Take a box of tortilla shells, some cheese that you get in the mail and a can of Spaghettios.
Warm up the shells and cook the Spaghs. Make sure the Spaghs bubble lightly before you sprinkle in some shredded cheese. Then, take the shells out of the oven.
Crack the shells in half. Spread the Spagh & cheese mix on the shell half. Salsa, if available.
Eat.
It is wonderful. And cheap. Sour cream is a nice touch. Taco meat can be used, if, once again, available.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
MC Hammer to Play Free Concert On Top of My Trailer Home!
Free Tonight! At My Trailer!
MC Hammer! It will be "his prerogative" to play a concert for you!
Show starts at 8PM.
Free refreshments! Just knock on my trailer door and I will answer.
If no one answers, yell for Wally! I'll come a'runnin'!
After the show, I'll be setting out my collection of lawn chairs and we can sit down and talk for a while. I've been really cleaning up the place nice so I think you should have a good time.
Maybe you could come over again tomorrow night? Whitney might be here...
I can't wait to see you. Bring a friend. Please?
MC Hammer! It will be "his prerogative" to play a concert for you!
Show starts at 8PM.
Free refreshments! Just knock on my trailer door and I will answer.
If no one answers, yell for Wally! I'll come a'runnin'!
After the show, I'll be setting out my collection of lawn chairs and we can sit down and talk for a while. I've been really cleaning up the place nice so I think you should have a good time.
Maybe you could come over again tomorrow night? Whitney might be here...
I can't wait to see you. Bring a friend. Please?
Monday, February 20, 2006
We Apologize
for the infrequent number of posts over the last week.
Things have been going very strangely here in Turbot.
We'll get back to you soon.
Read CRACKED.
Things have been going very strangely here in Turbot.
We'll get back to you soon.
Read CRACKED.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
GREY'S PREPARED BEEF PLANT HAS BEEN SOLD!
More news as it comes in. But, we were told today that Mr. Grey and Family have accepted an offer for the purchase of the plant.
We've not been told who the purchaser is our what the future of the plant is but we've got out fingers crossed.
Until then, we will try to continue "business as usual" here at the blog. We've got some real wisecrackers comin' up. Stay tuned!
- Marlene & Arthur
We've not been told who the purchaser is our what the future of the plant is but we've got out fingers crossed.
Until then, we will try to continue "business as usual" here at the blog. We've got some real wisecrackers comin' up. Stay tuned!
- Marlene & Arthur
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Super Bowl Fun-Day
Well, everyone, it’s a Red Letter Day in Turbot. Because we are going to have a Super Bowl Party!!!!
Oh boy!!!
I’m not much of a fan myself but, come on, aren’t those commercials great? I wish they’d cancel the game and just show those commercials. They never let you down.
Arthur’s anxious because he’s a big fan of Pittsburgh so the trailer is on edge. “They’d better win, Marlene!” He tells me with that tone. What a goofball! In fact, the first of the guests are arriving (mostly folks from our floors at Grey’s) right now. I’m waving “Hello!” to them as you read this. We are going to have a great time.
Pizza, check. Beer and pop, check. Nachos, check. Assorted veggie platter, no way! This ain’t any Figure Skating Party! (By the way, have you been watching Skating with Celebrities? We love it.) And, when the fourth quarter hits…Beef Jerky and Banana Splits! This will be the best party yet!
What about next year’s, you say? Who knows? Who knows?
Uh-oh! I hear Arthur arguing with Berns and his wife. Already! Did the game start? These sports rivalries are so exciting when you know what’s going on!
All right, everyone! Enjoy the game! I’ll talk to you soon.
P.S. If YOU are reading this (you know who YOU are), forget about it. You can’t come. Arthur does own a bat and his temper can flare. Coppish?
Oh boy!!!
I’m not much of a fan myself but, come on, aren’t those commercials great? I wish they’d cancel the game and just show those commercials. They never let you down.
Arthur’s anxious because he’s a big fan of Pittsburgh so the trailer is on edge. “They’d better win, Marlene!” He tells me with that tone. What a goofball! In fact, the first of the guests are arriving (mostly folks from our floors at Grey’s) right now. I’m waving “Hello!” to them as you read this. We are going to have a great time.
Pizza, check. Beer and pop, check. Nachos, check. Assorted veggie platter, no way! This ain’t any Figure Skating Party! (By the way, have you been watching Skating with Celebrities? We love it.) And, when the fourth quarter hits…Beef Jerky and Banana Splits! This will be the best party yet!
What about next year’s, you say? Who knows? Who knows?
Uh-oh! I hear Arthur arguing with Berns and his wife. Already! Did the game start? These sports rivalries are so exciting when you know what’s going on!
All right, everyone! Enjoy the game! I’ll talk to you soon.
P.S. If YOU are reading this (you know who YOU are), forget about it. You can’t come. Arthur does own a bat and his temper can flare. Coppish?
Friday, February 03, 2006
Alyssa's Final Journal Entry
Hello.
Alyssa here.
Sorry. It’s been a while. I imagine you've all read about what went on over Christmas. Tim and I are very sorry for any trouble we may have caused. We actually thought we’d be back sooner than we were. There was a mishap. Unfortunately, I can’t really go into it.
I’m here today to say good-bye. Good-bye to Turbot. Good-bye to Grey’s Prepared Beef. Good-bye to Alyssa’s Journal. Don’t worry. I’m not getting morbid on you. Every thing I was complaining about in the past year is gone. Everything that was dragging me down and taking the energy from me is unimportant nonsense. I’m gone.
I have sold my trailer. I got a decent price for it. I’m going to use the money and travel because I can no longer remain in the town of Turbot. It is falling apart. Grey’s is being sold. I’m sure you all know that. Who is it going to? Who is taking the reins of the town’s only business? I’ve no idea. But, this area isn’t so great for keeping businesses open once they get sold off. And, frankly, I don’t really want to move to Guam. Although, I may visit.
The whole feeling of this town is just plummeting. That feeling that I used to have of being lost is everywhere now. I see it in every face. I’ve given my two weeks. The new tenants move in when my time underground ends. I’ve sold them most of my things. I’m keeping a backpack full of things. I plan on collecting as I go along. I feel free.
I wish I could tell you what happened to me over the holiday. My eyes opened up. I saw past the beef and the petty backstabbing. I realized that working several stories underground is awful. I learned and saw what this town was like at the beginning. It would put you to shame to see what we’ve done to this beautiful place. Grey and his Prepared Beef can drop into the center of the earth as far as I’m concerned.
My hands are shaking as I write this. The things Tim and I did and saw. (No, none of it was sexual. (I feel gross even having to mention it but I know what many of you think. I don’t want to be in this gutter anymore.) My bridges aren’t just burning. I’ve destroyed them. If I fail, I fail knowing that I’ve done what I wanted to do. Have you ever seen Grey and his family? Mole People come alive. He cares about his family and nothing else. He would seal us all underground if it made him a decent profit. Maybe that’s the American Way but I think it sucks. I’ve seen more. I’ve seen better. People deserve better. Every single one. Not just a few lucky folks sitting up top. That’s garbage.
Good-bye everyone. Maybe I’ll start my own blog. Keep an eye out. Live a good life.
Alyssa here.
Sorry. It’s been a while. I imagine you've all read about what went on over Christmas. Tim and I are very sorry for any trouble we may have caused. We actually thought we’d be back sooner than we were. There was a mishap. Unfortunately, I can’t really go into it.
I’m here today to say good-bye. Good-bye to Turbot. Good-bye to Grey’s Prepared Beef. Good-bye to Alyssa’s Journal. Don’t worry. I’m not getting morbid on you. Every thing I was complaining about in the past year is gone. Everything that was dragging me down and taking the energy from me is unimportant nonsense. I’m gone.
I have sold my trailer. I got a decent price for it. I’m going to use the money and travel because I can no longer remain in the town of Turbot. It is falling apart. Grey’s is being sold. I’m sure you all know that. Who is it going to? Who is taking the reins of the town’s only business? I’ve no idea. But, this area isn’t so great for keeping businesses open once they get sold off. And, frankly, I don’t really want to move to Guam. Although, I may visit.
The whole feeling of this town is just plummeting. That feeling that I used to have of being lost is everywhere now. I see it in every face. I’ve given my two weeks. The new tenants move in when my time underground ends. I’ve sold them most of my things. I’m keeping a backpack full of things. I plan on collecting as I go along. I feel free.
I wish I could tell you what happened to me over the holiday. My eyes opened up. I saw past the beef and the petty backstabbing. I realized that working several stories underground is awful. I learned and saw what this town was like at the beginning. It would put you to shame to see what we’ve done to this beautiful place. Grey and his Prepared Beef can drop into the center of the earth as far as I’m concerned.
My hands are shaking as I write this. The things Tim and I did and saw. (No, none of it was sexual. (I feel gross even having to mention it but I know what many of you think. I don’t want to be in this gutter anymore.) My bridges aren’t just burning. I’ve destroyed them. If I fail, I fail knowing that I’ve done what I wanted to do. Have you ever seen Grey and his family? Mole People come alive. He cares about his family and nothing else. He would seal us all underground if it made him a decent profit. Maybe that’s the American Way but I think it sucks. I’ve seen more. I’ve seen better. People deserve better. Every single one. Not just a few lucky folks sitting up top. That’s garbage.
Good-bye everyone. Maybe I’ll start my own blog. Keep an eye out. Live a good life.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Mulletville Main Street, Part 2
Let me finish my story.
So, they had the subway car going. From the factory to the empty field. Well, after all that time had passed and all that money was saved, people were pretty excited about the whole thing. Wondering what it would look like and all that.
Turns out they didn’t have nearly as much money as they thought they did. They couldn’t construct a real Main Street in the middle of that field anymore than I could fly to the moon by eating a lot of beans. The townspeople were pretty wrecked. Another 10 years? 20? The Chamber of Commerce had no idea. At first, cries of “Corruption!” went up. There was no corruption. They just didn’t have the money. So, there was a compromise.
You remember I told you that the missing building had a huge, huge room where all the train loading and unloading was done? Well, you should. Here’s what they did… They built the Main Street. Underground. They used the empty space that was the platform. Imagine this: You step off the subway and there is a lovely sidewalk, capped with bushes and a couple of big fake trees.
There’s a sign right outside the doors reading “MAIN STREET”. It points to an archway in the far corner of the platform. Directly in front of you, there is no longer a huge platform. There is a big, fake brick wall stretching up three stories. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sounds of people having a good time.
Follow the arrow. Walk through that archway onto “MAIN STREET”. Well, they’d done it. It was a big city Main Street with two lanes of traffic, fire hydrants, and an intersection with a stoplight. And, the stores. Everything they wanted was there. A huge department store stretching up three floors. “BARNEY’S DELI”. A video store and all of it. Everything you’d want to see on the Main Street. And, there was always the sound of hustle and bustle. People talking, cars beeping, dogs barking.
Except, of course, it was all fake. The stores were well-arranged storefronts. The noises were piped in through fake rocks. There were a couple of scooters that drove up and down the street to simulate traffic but no cars. People could walk down the street and peer into the department store windows with their constantly changing window displays and promises of big sales. But, they couldn’t go in. Oh, the Chamber hired people to walk around just beyond the displays. You could see shadows and the occasional person but you could not pin them down.
The deli window was filled with meats and signs selling meats. In between all of this, there was a counter that shadows passed across. There was even a bologna smell piped past everyone.
They hired someone to stand at the newsstand and yell headlines. But, none of the magazines or newspapers was real. The stoplight worked perfectly. A traffic cop would give you a ticket if you fooled around. A fake ticket.
At the holidays, the street would be lined and covered appropriately. As the day progressed, an enormous light would pass across the street. Streetlamps would flash on when the light was gone.
At first, the Street stayed open 24 hours. After a time, it was 9AM-10PM all week. It was just easier. A voice would announce that Main Street was closing and people would hop back on the train. Although, it was tough to pull some people away.
The whole thing was like a full-scale version of those Dickens’ Villages things that people have. You know, you can peer in the windows of the Toy Store and see little people at little counters or playing with toys but none of it’s real. The Mulletville Main Street was a giant fake Village. Every building you looked in promised something beyond what you could see. Nothing was there but they did what they could.
You think all this is lame? A bunch of hicks wasting all their money on an unreachable dream. Well, you’d be surprised. For the first six months, people used to flock down here whenever they could. They had a hot dog stand and an actual restaurant down there so folks could eat. Lunch was big for the Marshmallow People. They’d window shop and have a nice slice of ham at the “MAIN STREET DINER”. People were thrilled by it. It was almost everything they wanted from a Main Street. For a time, it was wonderful.
We always have hoodlums, don’t we? Or curious people who screw things up. Kids started sneaking in after 10PM and spraying graffiti on the storefronts. At first, everyone thought it was local color. But, then they started spraying rude words and things like “U PEOPLE SUCK!” That made a lot of people stop going. “We’re tired of it” That’s what they’d say. But, I think people felt less and less safe.
Then, there was Norman Marn. He worked in packaging down at the plant. They always say that he was a bit of a dope. Always doing his own thing and usually screwing stuff up for everyone. Well, it was Christmas time and the workers had made a beautiful display for the holiday. People from all over town were there that evening. That was when they made it snow. The year they made it snow. They’d turn up the air down there to get you to see your breath. That was great. Anyway, the display was wonderful. Big ornaments and snowmen. A manger. Giant Santa waving back and forth. A thousand lights. Their best ever. Really.
Everyone was watching the display, enraptured. Then, one of the background “Shadows” began getting closer. At first, people thought it was anew effect. Then, ugly old Norman Marn stumbled in. He was a little drunk and quite a jerk. Somehow he’d gotten behind there and was inside. People were shocked. At first, they thought that Marn worked there and was going to do something. No, he didn’t. No, he wasn’t. He went to the store door and pulled it open. No one knew it was supposed to open. Some folks say that Marn unlocked it. Others say that he broke part of the façade. Regardless, he waved everyone in.
There was a pause. Then, the crowd flooded in. They found the storage room. The break room. The employee bathroom. But, there was no more store. You can imagine that even though the people knew there was nothing there that they were very disappointed. Some people broke things. Most just never came back. By Christmas, only a few visitors stopped by Main Street.
Six months later, Main Street closed down. The employees got thrown out of work. Some went back to the plant. Others left. Marn “Quit” his job and no one ever saw him again. Main Street began its decay. The dream was over.
This was twenty years ago. As far as I know, no one has been down there in a decade. When the marshmallow plant closed, everyone but a few of us left. I don’t know that the trailer park people even know about Main Street. The train sure doesn’t run anymore. But, it’s still there. Still able to take people to Main Street. A potent memory for some. I don’t know. I’m too old to ferret it out. Let some young fritter explore. I just want to rest.
Well, that’s my story. I think Ray is up next. His story may not be as good but he’s a nice guy. So humor him.
Thanks.
So, they had the subway car going. From the factory to the empty field. Well, after all that time had passed and all that money was saved, people were pretty excited about the whole thing. Wondering what it would look like and all that.
Turns out they didn’t have nearly as much money as they thought they did. They couldn’t construct a real Main Street in the middle of that field anymore than I could fly to the moon by eating a lot of beans. The townspeople were pretty wrecked. Another 10 years? 20? The Chamber of Commerce had no idea. At first, cries of “Corruption!” went up. There was no corruption. They just didn’t have the money. So, there was a compromise.
You remember I told you that the missing building had a huge, huge room where all the train loading and unloading was done? Well, you should. Here’s what they did… They built the Main Street. Underground. They used the empty space that was the platform. Imagine this: You step off the subway and there is a lovely sidewalk, capped with bushes and a couple of big fake trees.
There’s a sign right outside the doors reading “MAIN STREET”. It points to an archway in the far corner of the platform. Directly in front of you, there is no longer a huge platform. There is a big, fake brick wall stretching up three stories. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sounds of people having a good time.
Follow the arrow. Walk through that archway onto “MAIN STREET”. Well, they’d done it. It was a big city Main Street with two lanes of traffic, fire hydrants, and an intersection with a stoplight. And, the stores. Everything they wanted was there. A huge department store stretching up three floors. “BARNEY’S DELI”. A video store and all of it. Everything you’d want to see on the Main Street. And, there was always the sound of hustle and bustle. People talking, cars beeping, dogs barking.
Except, of course, it was all fake. The stores were well-arranged storefronts. The noises were piped in through fake rocks. There were a couple of scooters that drove up and down the street to simulate traffic but no cars. People could walk down the street and peer into the department store windows with their constantly changing window displays and promises of big sales. But, they couldn’t go in. Oh, the Chamber hired people to walk around just beyond the displays. You could see shadows and the occasional person but you could not pin them down.
The deli window was filled with meats and signs selling meats. In between all of this, there was a counter that shadows passed across. There was even a bologna smell piped past everyone.
They hired someone to stand at the newsstand and yell headlines. But, none of the magazines or newspapers was real. The stoplight worked perfectly. A traffic cop would give you a ticket if you fooled around. A fake ticket.
At the holidays, the street would be lined and covered appropriately. As the day progressed, an enormous light would pass across the street. Streetlamps would flash on when the light was gone.
At first, the Street stayed open 24 hours. After a time, it was 9AM-10PM all week. It was just easier. A voice would announce that Main Street was closing and people would hop back on the train. Although, it was tough to pull some people away.
The whole thing was like a full-scale version of those Dickens’ Villages things that people have. You know, you can peer in the windows of the Toy Store and see little people at little counters or playing with toys but none of it’s real. The Mulletville Main Street was a giant fake Village. Every building you looked in promised something beyond what you could see. Nothing was there but they did what they could.
You think all this is lame? A bunch of hicks wasting all their money on an unreachable dream. Well, you’d be surprised. For the first six months, people used to flock down here whenever they could. They had a hot dog stand and an actual restaurant down there so folks could eat. Lunch was big for the Marshmallow People. They’d window shop and have a nice slice of ham at the “MAIN STREET DINER”. People were thrilled by it. It was almost everything they wanted from a Main Street. For a time, it was wonderful.
We always have hoodlums, don’t we? Or curious people who screw things up. Kids started sneaking in after 10PM and spraying graffiti on the storefronts. At first, everyone thought it was local color. But, then they started spraying rude words and things like “U PEOPLE SUCK!” That made a lot of people stop going. “We’re tired of it” That’s what they’d say. But, I think people felt less and less safe.
Then, there was Norman Marn. He worked in packaging down at the plant. They always say that he was a bit of a dope. Always doing his own thing and usually screwing stuff up for everyone. Well, it was Christmas time and the workers had made a beautiful display for the holiday. People from all over town were there that evening. That was when they made it snow. The year they made it snow. They’d turn up the air down there to get you to see your breath. That was great. Anyway, the display was wonderful. Big ornaments and snowmen. A manger. Giant Santa waving back and forth. A thousand lights. Their best ever. Really.
Everyone was watching the display, enraptured. Then, one of the background “Shadows” began getting closer. At first, people thought it was anew effect. Then, ugly old Norman Marn stumbled in. He was a little drunk and quite a jerk. Somehow he’d gotten behind there and was inside. People were shocked. At first, they thought that Marn worked there and was going to do something. No, he didn’t. No, he wasn’t. He went to the store door and pulled it open. No one knew it was supposed to open. Some folks say that Marn unlocked it. Others say that he broke part of the façade. Regardless, he waved everyone in.
There was a pause. Then, the crowd flooded in. They found the storage room. The break room. The employee bathroom. But, there was no more store. You can imagine that even though the people knew there was nothing there that they were very disappointed. Some people broke things. Most just never came back. By Christmas, only a few visitors stopped by Main Street.
Six months later, Main Street closed down. The employees got thrown out of work. Some went back to the plant. Others left. Marn “Quit” his job and no one ever saw him again. Main Street began its decay. The dream was over.
This was twenty years ago. As far as I know, no one has been down there in a decade. When the marshmallow plant closed, everyone but a few of us left. I don’t know that the trailer park people even know about Main Street. The train sure doesn’t run anymore. But, it’s still there. Still able to take people to Main Street. A potent memory for some. I don’t know. I’m too old to ferret it out. Let some young fritter explore. I just want to rest.
Well, that’s my story. I think Ray is up next. His story may not be as good but he’s a nice guy. So humor him.
Thanks.
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