Wasn't it great...

...when we posted all the time?

But, now...Turbot is gone. That's a story. Our Final Story. Hopefully, we will put that up for you soon.

Now...enjoy our CRACKED reviews!
And our Green Acres reviews!

Would ya, please?

Arthur got a new haircut! He looks like Larry from The Three Stooges!

Arthur got a haircut!

He looks like Moe from "The Three Stooges" now!

More updates soon.

Write to us for locks of Arthur's hair.

Holy Crap!

We're back!

Marlene and Arthur here! Where were we? You wonder? Did we get washed away or something? How is Turbot? What's with those Cracked magazine revews?

Let me just say this, "We have had a time."

We won't go into all of it on this post. Really, we just want to say "Hello" to folks who have read our stuff in the past. There's nothing like a long trip to clear your head. And, did we ever take a long trip?

Yes. We did.

Arthur is six inches taller and has a beard! Marlene has lost ten pounds and won a pie eating contest in Duluth! How's that for you?

A beard! Duluth! You guys are nuts! Yes.

Turbot is no more. We are writing to you from Berchard, Nebraska - Home of the First Money Roll! You know, they invented that little paper roll you put pennies in. They're real nice people. We don't have the trailer anymore. We have a pickup with one of those trailer things on top. We're happy. But, we're busy with new jobs and everything so...

Stay tuned! We'll have more info for you soon. What a story!

New Cracked Review Blog!

Hello!

All Cracked review have been moved to their own blog!

http://crackedreviews.blogspot.com

Awesome!

Enjoy!

Cyril P. Welcomes "The Spirit of "76!"

“The Spirit of ‘76!” I’m sure you’ve seen the banner hanging proud and large across the front of the Rialto. For the next few weeks, they’re showing films solely from the year 1976. As you may or may not know, I don’t believe that hopping back into our history like this is all that great. I recently had a chance to glance at my calendar and we’re no longer in 1976 so the lessons taught by these films are no longer valid. There is a reason why they make new movies: Because they are important! Be that as it may, the Rialto is showing these “oldies.” And, the editors have requested that I review them in my “normal fashion.” So, I shall. “The Spirit of ‘76!” is here. Let’s enjoy together. Shall we? We shall.
One question I had right off the bat was: Where was “Queen Kong?” All week long that had been the advertised film. But, when I arrived, the marquee read “Next Week: Queen Kong!” Oh well. This week: “Kiss of the Tarantula.” Arachnids over apes? Were they trying to tell us something? You decide.
So, the tarantulas who kiss are owned by a girl whose name is (most likely) Genevieve. An odd gal who doesn’t have very many human friends but does have many, many spider friends. And, they do her bidding whenever her bidding needs doing. In fact, that’s the gist of this “old favorite.” A strange girl who spends a lot of time with spiders uses them to kill people who throw her the grief. Thank you very much.
What about that scene with the make-out couple in the car, huh?! They’re smooching, it’s nice, it feels fine. Then, the car’s filled with spiders and the guy’s dead! Holy Crap! And the lady goes nuts! Holy Super Crap! Thank God I hadn’t met this odd gal when I was younger. Many’s the time she could have done a similar thing to me when I was in the woods, late at night...you know what I mean. Although, I was never as distracted as make-out couples must have been. Actually, I probably would have got out of there before the spiders swarmed. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. So, if you’re planning on kissing someone to distraction in a car in the dark, watch out for swarming. It happens. (Or it happened.)
Dear sweet Genny, I’ve got a thing or two I’d like to say to you...Come on, kid! Get with it! You can’t run around killing people with spiders all your life! Where’s that leading you? What’s the future hold? Someone doesn’t give you a job...kill him with spiders. Someone won’t go to the prom with you...death by spider. Someone cuts you off in traffic...spiders down their drawers. The love of your life runs off with your brother...smother them in spiders. I mean, it sounds great but it’s really just screwy! You need a hobby that’s less based in violence against other people. Something like model airplanes, doll collecting, finding shiny rocks, not hurting people. Oh, there you go. Making a hobby of not hurting people sounds like a great start. In fact, I would guess that that’s the lesson of today’s film: Don’t kill people with spiders. Take up productive hobbies of a non-violent nature. Join a Youth Group of some kind. I believe that Jesus was around in ‘76 so perhaps he could help you. And, as always, don’t do drugs.
(A quick disclaimer: As the film is an old one, the lesson may no longer apply.)
“Kiss of the Tarantula:” A journey forward from a past time to share its wonder in the present moment. Go to the Rialto and see what you think. Next week: “Queen Kong!” Bring the kids. Or they might just bring you.

Cyril P. Reviews an "Oldie But Newie!"

It’s funny. I watch a movie. It’s good for you. The memory of that movie is forever emblazoned on the mind. But, Hollywood makes a lot of movies. They constantly press forward, changing and refining ideas. Ideas that are important to them and us. Movie after movie floods my head. So, after 100 or more, I don’t retain exact memories of each movie. I retain the strains of thought from each and the build-up of intertwining moral and social threads. However, the individual moments all mold together into one. Luckily, Hollywood has found a solution. (Did you think they wouldn’t?) This mighty fixative? Remaking (with slightly subtle differences) films we’ve previously seen.

I haven’t watched “Halloween” in about five years. But, it doesn’t matter. Because I’ve just seen “Offerings.” The exact same movie but without a lot of the scares. Let’s be honest, it’s very tough to ingest the message when you can’t stop shriekin’! Know what I mean?

So, I present you now with “Offerings.”

We’ve seen it before. So, it makes everything a little easier.

Small town. The opening is certainly different. A little mute boy kills a relative. Granted, that’s not the part that’s different. The different part is how they present it. This new piece introduces the little girl who becomes a major part of the film.

“Ten Years Later”

The young woman has the house to herself. She has a friend who enjoys sex. The nutty fella has escaped from the loony bin (with a doctor in hot pursuit) and is going for the young woman whose name is nothing I currently remember. Let’s call her Sue-Anne. Sue-Anne is given “offerings’ from the crazy guy. An ear, a nose, a head, etc. He loves her, whereas Michael Meyers in “Halloween” seems to want to kill the girl.

I think this is what’s happened: We learn as we go. In “Halloween,” the young innocent is presented as the center of the stalk. She is what he is after. And, this has been the template for what has happened since. Some variation of that has permeated through each one of these. If the world is flat works for the best and brightest, why shouldn’t it work for me?

Well, they’ve re-thought their case. Our psychopathic innocent is now on the same level with our real innocent. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He wants to give her gifts and make sure she’s happy. Their re-alignment of this once over-the-top theme is very interesting. In the past, one saw the innocent making it to the end simply because she or he was the last one killed. Now, the innocent survives because the psycho doesn’t want to kill her.

Folks, the new thing is here! This is THE most important part of our new variation. Keep it in mind.

But, that wasn’t much of a review.

In Oklahoma (don’t make me sing it), some teens are having a heck of a time. It seems a boy they once picked on and pushed down a well is back to kill them. The funny thing is that the well doesn’t kill the boy or really seem to hurt him at all. The prologue ends with him falling in and the kids running away. Except for one little girl. His friend, Sue-Anne.

Well, then we get the “10 Years Later” and they tell us that that night the boy came out of the well and killed and ate his mom. That’s why he was put away. The well apparently sparked it and...really I don’t know. The events in the opening relate to the movie but not what got him put away. So, anyway...

“Ten Years Later”
The boy who was pushed in the well is coming to kill the kids who pushed the boy in the well. Except for the girl he likes (Sue-Anne). But, really, she was just there. She didn’t have anything to do with it.

Crazy McFriend squeezes one head in a vice, cuts a throat in a car, hangs one guy, decapitates a gal and so forth. And, that’s the line up. It feels like something we’ve seen before but we know we haven’t seen this.

In closing: Be good.

Mystery Writers...Listen Up!

Are you working on a 2-Minute Mystery or some sort of "Mini" Mystery
story that you need a snappy ending for? Do you sit up at nights saying "I
know, I just know, that I can write a mystery story as good as any of those
multi-millionaire writers."? Do you want to make some extra income? Was
a career as a Dental Assistant something that just didn't appeal? Well, I
am Your Catalyst!

I have a small stockpile of "Mini" mystery endings that can be extended
to novel-length endings if the client requires. Sometimes you have all the
characters assembled, everyone is ready to learn who the murderer is,
and you just bomb out-- No ending. How will you resolve things?

Read on.

Here are a sample of five solutions that could get you out of that
bind:

Detective **** knew that the Madame was lying because of the clock. She
could not have seen the clock the moment she entered because the
Cleaning Lady had moved the breakfront. But, she could have seen the clock in
the mirror, which means it was 1, not 11. Her alibi crumbles to dust.

Inspector **** brought the feather to tickle Uncle Mumfin's underarms.
There was no way that a man as ticklish as Mumfin had proven himself to be
would be able to keep the Colonel's frozen hands under his arms. So, if the
dead man's fingerprints weren't from an abortive attempt at thawing, then
when else could they be from? The Inspector says it was Murder!

Two things become apparent when you examine the carriage marks: 1) they
were made with a Standard issue wooden wheel Model RT19, which were made by
the Bradenton Brothers from 1887-1892. It was a replacement for the RT18
and was replaced itself by the RY12728'. 2) The marks could not have been by a
horse-drawn carriage as the gradient of 15% would not allow for a
comparable exchange of momentum with the shoes that the animals would have been
wearing. So, Mrs. Henderson pulled the carriage herself. It was her
carriage, which she pretended was out of commission in the old barn.
And, she ran over Henrietta Wainscot on the night of March the 8th! J'Accuse!

One word: Applesauce. Not on his back, but on his shoes. Uncle Burdock
would never look at a porkchop again.

Paisley Wilmington knew that the German ate bratwurst every morning for
his heart. But, as there was none in his stomach at the time of death, she
knew that he hadn't eaten any that day. So, she deduced that any man without
his daily bratwurst was in danger of doing something he didn't want to do.
The lack of pants on the Scandinavian jockey meant that he was doing wash
and had no spare pants. Putting two and two together, they arrested the
Polack.


There it is, folks! Your ticket to a better life. What are mysteries?
Works of art? Beautiful constructions where form and function latch together
for all eternity. Or are they something that any old hack can churn out
quicker than corn through my digestive system?

The latter, ladies and gentleman!

So, contact me through Del Berman and this blog. I'll hook you up. (As
I said, I have hundreds of these. We're a horse suit and I'm the man in
the rear!)

Your dreams await!